Be kind to yourself

You’ve been criticising yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.
Louise L Hay.

Be kind to yourself! This is one of the essential life lessons that I’ve come (very) late to. And I’m still learning.

Does this sound like you too?

Most of us treat other people with compassion, responding with understanding and kindness when they make mistakes or fail at something. But we often don’t extend that same compassion to ourselves.

It doesn’t help that we live in a neurotypical world that values things like structure, logic and deadlines while our ADHD brains tend more towards non-linear thinking and flexibility. Sometimes chaos…

So if we already feel we’re not good enough, this sense of deficit is reinforced by society’s biases.

THE DANGERS OF BELIEVING OUR INNER CRITIC

Women – especially those of us who lived for many years with undiagnosed ADHD – often have a critical voice in our heads. It talks to us harshly and judgmentally when we do something “wrong” or we don’t live up to expectations. Hello, perfectionism! Hey there, low self-esteem!

The constant negative talk of this inner critic targets our self-perceived inadequacies – maybe a mistake we made at work or our inability to keep things organised. It can be anything at all, big or small. Or nearly everything

So if I’m spending my time binge-watching Netflix and avoiding the things I “ought” to be doing, my inner critic says “You’re lazy”. Not achieving my goals or ideals? “You’re a failure. You’ll never achieve anything”.

The big problem is when we identify with the negative thoughts and believe they’re true.

Then we feel – and behave – as if we are lazy/a failure/incompetent. We descend into a cycle of self-criticism that becomes the way we relate to ourselves. Inevitably it affects how we show up in the world.

And when we believe we aren’t worthy of kindness because we accept the negative self-talk as our reality, we’re more likely to neglect our own needs.

We don’t give ourselves the care we need physically, emotionally or spiritually. This pattern of behaviour becomes a vicious circle which is very hard to break out of.

So what can we do to develop a more compassionate relationship with ourselves?

5 STEPS TO HELP US BE KINDER TO OURSELVES

These 5 steps help me to turn down the volume on my inner critic and be more self-compassionate.

Recognise that being imperfect is human and inevitable

In the first place we need to acknowledge that we’re human, and that human beings are imperfect. That’s just the way it is.

Everyone fails and does stupid things – we are no exception. If we look at our own situation in this larger perspective we can see that other people suffer in the same way, we aren’t alone in our feelings.

This can give us comfort and a sense of solidarity with other people.

You may have felt this sense of comfort and belonging when you realised there are lots of women just like you and me who lived into midlife with undiagnosed ADHD. Who have spent a lifetime criticising themselves, hiding their struggles, wearing a mask. And who are looking for a new way to relate to themselves.

Become aware of self-criticism

I always thought I was self-aware. But since uncovering my ADHD and experiencing all the aha moments I’ve had over the last few years – well, let’s just say I now see that I didn’t have the slightest clue about most of the hidden programming running my life.

It took me a long time to wake up to the harm I was doing to myself through negative self-talk. It can be so habitual and automatic that we may not even notice we’re doing it. That’s how I was.

So become more aware. Notice what you say to yourself when you make a mistake or fail at something. Notice how you say it. Once you really hear that harsh, judgmental voice constantly criticising what you do – then you can start to change it.

How would you treat a friend?

Think about how you’d treat a friend who did whatever you’re beating yourself up for.

Would you be critical of them, or would you be kind and comfort them to try to make them feel better about themselves? What kinds of words would you use? Would you use a harsh tone of voice or a gentle, loving one?

Now think about the way you just talked to yourself. The harsh, critical words and tone are probably in stark contrast to the compassionate way you would respond to the pain of a friend in the same situation.

Being aware of the different ways you respond in these two scenarios is a positive step in the right direction. When you catch yourself being critical about something you’ve done, stop and think about how you’d respond if a friend had done the same thing.

And practice being compassionate towards yourself in the same way!

Understand that your thoughts are not reality

Just because that voice in our head tells us we can’t do something because we’re no good at it, that there’s no point aiming for this big dream because we’ll never achieve it, that we can’t make friends because we’re boring or annoying – it doesn’t mean it’s true. It’s just a thought!

My own epiphany came on a live group call during a 30 day challenge a few years ago. I asked “How can a lifelong introvert like me ever put themselves “out there” online?” (something that felt overwhelmingly unachievable for me at that time).

I was shocked to be told that a voice in my head was keeping me living small by telling me I was inadequate and limited.

It was a total revelation to be told I didn’t need to believe the stories that voice in my head was constantly repeating. That I could break away and do whatever I wanted to.

I had become unaware of my critical inner voice because I’d lived with it for so long. But from that day onwards I listened for it and challenged it. And it’s a lot quieter these days!

Behave as if you love yourself

It’s essential to catch ourselves when we get into negative thought cycles and to try to replace them with more positive and compassionate ways of talking to ourselves.

But we also need to address our lack of self-compassion at the level of behaviour.

So try behaving as if you’re a worthwhile person, as if you love yourself, as if your own needs are important. BE kind to yourself and your thoughts will follow.

Show yourself some love with acts of self-care. Nourish your body with healthy food. Make time in your day for quiet relaxation and something that brings you joy. Unplug your devices, have a warm bath and go to bed early.

FINAL THOUGHTS

It isn’t easy to start treating ourselves compassionately when we’re used to believing our inner critic and feeling unworthy of love.

I vividly remember the shock of realising that I was letting a negative, self-critical voice in my head boss me around and effectively rule my life. That awakening set me on a new and kinder path.

And if I could learn to be kinder to myself after so many years of self-criticism, then I know you can too.

So here’s a recap of the five steps that are helping me navigate the road towards self-compassion.