Every time I was called on in class, I was sure that I was about to embarrass myself. Every time I took a test, I was sure that it had gone badly. And every time I didn’t embarrass myself — or even excelled — I believed that I had fooled everyone yet again. One day soon, the jig would be up…
Sheryl sandberg
Do you secretly believe you’re a total fraud and worry that everyone’s going to find out? It’s only human to feel inadequate from time to time. But for those of us who spent our lives taking in (and giving ourselves) negative messages that we somehow never measure up, it can become more serious and pervasive.
What is imposter syndrome?
Do Cheryl Sandberg’s words resonate with you too? It’s like the theme-song of my life – before I worked out what was really going on.
That’s imposter syndrome.
It’s believing deep inside that you’re not as competent as other people think you are. Think about the last time somebody praised you or gave you positive feedback. How did it make you feel? Like you didn’t deserve the praise, even if all the evidence suggested you did? Me too!
At worst, you may just feel like a complete fraud a lot of the time.
Psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes came up with the concept of imposter syndrome in the 70s when their research showed that high-achieving women often couldn’t recognise their own worth.
They discovered that imposter syndrome can be a big deal in every area of our lives. So it’s vital to recognise the signs and fight back.
6 signs you could have imposter syndrome
Do you play down your achievements?
When we have imposter syndrome we genuinely believe our achievements don’t amount to much. When someone praises us, we instinctively bat away the compliment. Deep down we simply don’t believe we deserve it.
Do you put it all down to luck?
Having imposter syndrome means we often attribute our accomplishments to luck. We overstate the role chance plays in our lives, underestimating our own skill and effort.
Do you set impossibly high standards?
Do you set impossibly high standards of success for yourself and feel you don’t deserve success? One way you can tell if this is an issue for you is to ask yourself if you feel scared or anxious when you think about something you want to achieve. If you do, this could be a sign of the perfectionism that’s often right at the heart of imposter syndrome.
Are you afraid you’re not measuring up?
People with imposter syndrome often secretly fear they don’t measure up to other people’s expectations. It could be the expectations of your boss, family, friends or colleagues. It makes no difference how often they tell you you’re doing a good job, you simply never feel like it’s enough.
Do you get stuck in the fear/over-preparation/procrastination loop?
This is the “imposter cycle”. A pattern that begins with anxiety and leads to obsessive preparation and planning. Largely driven by the fear of not doing a looming task well (because of course we think we’re not good enough!), we overthink and prepare compulsively. This is often accompanied by procrastination and avoidance – anything to escape the discomfort of our negative feelings.
When the project is (finally!) accomplished, we don’t get to enjoy any real sense of satisfaction before we start to worry about the next big undertaking…
Do you ask for what you need or deserve?
When you don’t appreciate your true worth, it’s very hard to ask for what you need or deserve. A pay rise, something you need from other people, everything. Your feelings of inadequacy get in the way of you making any kind of ask, big or small. This used to be an insurmountable barrier for me. I never asked for anything because deep down I felt I didn’t deserve it.
10 tips for overcoming imposter syndrome
Know the signs
We can recognise some of the signs now, so we’re on the right track.
Pay attention to your words and behaviour and examine the feelings that come up when you realise you’re experiencing imposter syndrome. Where are these feelings coming from and why are they coming up? Awareness is always the first step!
Fight imposter syndrome with facts
Remember that the negative feelings you feel aren’t based in reality. They’re coming from the distorted stories you’ve been telling yourself forever. Looking at the facts can help. Gather evidence that shows how much progress you’ve actually made and how much you’ve achieved – keeping a journal is a good tool for this. Then focus on this evidence when imposter syndrome comes up and you need a reminder of reality.
Share your feelings
Also remember you’re not alone in feeling the way you do. If high-achievers like Michelle Obama, Maya Angelou and Sheryl Sandberg (see the quote above!) have expressed the very same feelings, you’re in good company! Most of us in the Late to the ADHD Party community share these feelings. Reach out to other women who believe they’re inadequate and share how you feel. This will make you feel less alone and help put things in perspective.
Stop comparing
The feeling of being a fraud often comes up when we compare ourselves to other people. Remember that we’re all different and we’re all travelling our individual paths. For example you’ll inevitably feel inadequate if you compare yourself to someone who’s way ahead of you on the path you want to follow. Or if you compare yourself with a neurotypical colleague who can remember everything without writing it down and never seems to feel self-doubt. So try to stop comparing yourself to others and start accepting yourself as you are.
Celebrate your successes
If you suffer from imposter syndrome, you’re focusing on your failures and shortcomings rather than your successes. Remind yourself of all the things you’ve achieved rather than dwelling on mistakes. And next time you accomplish something, celebrate STRAIGHT AWAY! Tell yourself “That’s like me!” Reward yourself! And don’t forget to celebrate the small wins and progress – not just the big completed projects.
Write down the positives
Make a list of your skills, qualifications, experience, and natural strengths. Keep it in a journal so you can refer to it. Use it to boost your confidence whenever you need it.
Replace negative with positive
Negative self-talk fuels our feelings of insecurity. Recognise the negative chatter when it starts up and replace it with something positive.
Reframe failure
What does “failure” mean to you? Are you afraid to fail, like I was for many years? Reframe failure so that it’s not something terrible to be feared, but a valuable learning experience. Practice failing and it won’t feel so bad! I discovered I failed less often when I wasn’t so fixated on not failing! Paradoxically the fear makes it more likely to happen. Taking ourselves less seriously is another way to approach this.
Visualise success
What would success look like for you? Imagine what it means to you and visualise yourself achieving it. This can help you to stop setting impossible standards for yourself, and be more satisfied with your achievements.
Let go of perfectionism
Focus on progress and growth. Nobody’s perfect and you won’t be the first perfect person! Re-calibrate your standards and learn to aim for “good enough” rather than perfection.
Final thoughts
Recognising we suffer from imposter syndrome is the first step on the road to tackling it.
I hope some of these tips will be helpful. If you can overcome – or at least dial down – those feelings of unworthiness and “not enoughness”, your life will soon start to feel easier and calmer.
Please share in the comments how imposter syndrome has affected your life. And if you have any sure-fire tips for fighting it, let us know!
