Suffering arises from trying to control what is uncontrollable…
Epictetus
Do you find yourself getting stressed out trying to control absolutely everything in your life? I feel you! It took me years before I even realised I was trying to control a lot of things that were beyond my control.
Newsflash: trying to control the uncontrollable doesn’t protect us from mistakes or ensure perfection. Instead it gets us wound up so tight it stifles our ability to function effectively and think creatively. It eventually drives us to exhaustion and burnout.
Living with ADHD can leave us always expecting something to go wrong. Anxious that we’ll do something “stupid” or “careless” or “unacceptable”. So it shouldn’t really be surprising that this sometimes translates into trying to keep control of every last thing in our lives.
This is how it was for me.
Trying to control other people
I couldn’t see that I was subjecting myself and my loved ones to needless stress by trying to control their behaviour. Maybe deep down I believed the world would be a safer place for me if they just behaved exactly how I wanted them to.
But this is just a recipe for madness! We cannot control how other people see us or respond to us, let alone how they behave. When I finally understood how pointless it was, I was able to start letting go of this desperate need to control others.
Instead I began to focus on my own behaviour and reactions which I did have the power to control – or at least influence…
Not only did I feel calmer, but my relationships improved dramatically!
The “Let Them” theory
Coincidentally, I recently came across Mel Robbins’ “Let Them” theory which went viral on Instagram a while back. I love Mel, who it turns out was diagnosed with ADHD in midlife too!
As the name suggests, her theory is all about just letting the other person do what they want to do – and not doing what they don’t want to do. Instead of banging your head against a brick wall and trying to make them do what you want them to.
Mel says “When you “Let Them” do whatever it is that they want to do, it creates more control and emotional peace for you, and a better relationship with people in your life.”
Amen to that.
Thinking it’s all our fault
Do you ruminate about interactions with friends and colleagues, worry that you upset them? I used to somehow believe that any disagreement or negative outcome was entirely my fault and take on all the blame.
But there are at least two people involved in every interaction, and we are not in control of the reactions or behaviour of others. Yet somehow many of us still feel responsible, and replay the scene over and over in our heads.
Trying to control every. single. detail
Having a prodigious ability to overlook details and make careless mistakes can drive us to the other extreme – towards trying to control every little thing.
My over-controlling tendencies showed up big-time at work. I would strive to make every little detail perfect. And I would beat myself up whenever anything went wrong. Which it inevitably – and frequently – did.
And the truth was, although I couldn’t see it at the time, only some of the details were things I could control anyway.
My five steps to greater serenity
If you recognise that you waste time and energy worrying about things outside your control like me, and you experience stress as a result, try these 5 steps that have helped me to experience so much more serenity in my life.
Decide what outcome you want to achieve
When we’re facing a challenge, first of all we can decide what outcome we would like to achieve.
For example imagine we’re stressed and anxious about a global pandemic that’s paralysed the world. In this scenario, perhaps we want to get through the pandemic being as healthy as we can be and with as little stress as possible.
Identify actions that will take you closer to your goal
Next let’s think about the things that would help us achieve the outcome we want.
These may include eating plenty of fruit and vegetables, getting enough sleep, exercising regularly, having a harmonious relationship with a significant other, staying in touch with friends and family, not getting stressed by all the bad news, practicing self-care.
Work out what you can control
Looking at the actions we’ve identified that will get us closer to our goal, we now need to work out which aspects are fully within our control.
So we want to identify only those aspects of each action that don’t depend on other people or circumstances beyond our control.
In this situation, for example, we can control the precautions we take ourselves (eg hand-washing, mask-wearing, social distancing), reaching out to friends and family, what we eat, whether we exercise, how much of the news we consume, whether we go to bed before midnight.
Work out what you can’t control
Considering each action again, we can now identify the factors associated with it that are outside our control.
So while we can control when we go to bed, we can’t actually control the quality of our sleep. We can control our own behaviour in a relationship but we can’t control that of the other person. We can control how often we read or watch the news but not what’s actually happening out there in the world.
Similarly we can control the precautions we take ourselves, but not how responsible other people are. And we can practice self-care but we can’t control stressful external events like losing our job and still having to pay the rent or mortgage.
Of course in this scenario we can’t totally ignore the uncontrollable elements. For example we will inevitably worry about the wellbeing of our loved ones and when we’ll see them again.
But when we move our attention to the things that are within our control and focus on what we can do about those, we start to feel less stressed and anxious.
Let go of the things that are outside your control
If we go through this process when we face a situation we find challenging, we become aware of the extent of its controllability. Once we understand which elements of the situation are in fact beyond our control, we can safely let go of them.
Accepting there’s nothing we can do about certain elements of a situation is both liberating and calming.
And it leaves us free to focus our energies on the factors we do have control over.
Final thoughts
So here’s a recap of the 5 steps that can help you stop trying to control the uncontrollable things in your life.
- Consider a challenge you’re facing and decide what outcome you want to achieve.
- What actions will help you get closer to this goal?
- Identify which of the factors involved in these actions you can fully control.
- Identify which factors are outside your personal control.
- Let go of the uncontrollables! Take action on the things within your control.
I know how challenging this can feel when you’ve spent a lifetime trying to control things that are outside your control. I was genuinely scared that if I simply let go, my world would spin out of control. Spoiler alert: the world carried on just the same!
So yes, it is hard to confront the reality that you can’t control so many of the things you believed you could. And it’s hard to accept that nothing terrible will happen if you stop trying.
But if you stick with it, follow these simple steps, I promise you will find the world carries on turning when you finally let go of trying to control the uncontrollable.
And what’s more, you will recover a sense of calm and ease that you may not have felt in years.
